Thursday, December 31, 2009

Starting Fresh

Deciding to do this blog was not an easy decission, but a necessary one.

Each year I make resolutions to change my attitude, lose weight, learn to say no..... The actual list is endless. This year, I am not just talking about change, I am actually making the changes, this being one of the biggest!!

I learned something about myself these past few weeks ending 2009......I learned that I give some people entirely too much power over my life and then wonder where I went wrong. Allowing some people decide whether I am happy, sad, fat, healthy.... Again, the list is endless. I am now taking that power back!

Writing this blog is my way of letting hurts leave. It doesn't mean that the hurts never happened or that they no longer exist. What it does mean, is that I no longer will allow the pain from my past to decide my future. It means that when something painful from my past comes to mind, instead of dwelling on it and getting upset all over again, I can write it down and purge it from the list.

That is why I titled my blog forgiving and letting it go. I refuse to allow my past to rule my future. Instead, my future will be fresh and new and exciting, as it should have been from the start.

Many years ago, my dad told me he was sorry for our past and wanted to start fresh. We now have a wonderful relationship and I wish we had done that earlier. Unfortunately, I have some people in my life that act as if what they have done was "no big deal" and continue to attack me verbally and emotionally. I have to take responsibility for letting this happen. After all, I am 50 years old and should know better than this.

My friends will feel it is about time I do this, and be happy and proud for me. Some may read this and think I am an idiot for letting things go so long without doing something about it. For those who don't know me, I will give you a little bit of background on where all this is coming from.

I am the oldest daughter of 3 to a mom who is bi-polar. Most of my life has been spent taking care of my siblings and my mom, and feeling it is somehow my responsibility to make everything better for everyone. I was married to an abusive alcoholic at the age of 18, divorced by the age of 22. Met another abusive man whom I had two children with before realizing I was in a deadly pattern. At the age of 27 I gave birth to my third child who only lived 5 weeks and 12 hours.

I have lived through many things that have hurt me, but none so much as the hatred my mother shows me and the scarred relationship with my oldest son. I am currently married to a wonderful man. We have been together for almost 19 years and I can't imagine my life without him. I have two beautiful grandchildren from my youngest son and his beautiful wife, and relationships with my sons' half-sisters and my grandson from one of them.

I have good friends and strong relationships so I am not a bad person. I have owned and operated 4 businesses in my life and run them successfuly so I am not an idiot. The problem is, I still feel it is my responsibility to make other people happy, and I don't need to be happy in return. I don't want to feel this way anymore and am determined to change this aspect of my life.

My hope is by changing this part of my life, I can get on with the rest of it!