Coming back

Here I am again trying to continue on with my life. Seems like I let everything get in the way of doing what I want, but I am determined. (I think I have said that before.) Just decided after the mental break down this year that I need to start taking care of myself in a much better way. I have lost about 25 pounds and still have MANY more pounds to lose but a little at a time is better than going up and letting it happen. Going through my 2nd year cancer free and that is something to celebrate. I got to visit my dad and (step)mom in Washington twice in the past year. Spent 2 months with my nieces and nephews and their families this summer in Oregon. Have decided to sell our home and relocate back there and get over things that have hurt us and start living our lives the way we have dreamed of for years. Terry and I have had some rough times the past year but we are working through them daily. I have watched my oldest son continue to struggle with his issues with trust by walking out on his wife and daughter and leaving the state to marry another woman. I pray he finds some kind of peace and joy in his life but mostly I pray he does not turn out to be the kind of dad his bio-dad was. I want my granddaughter to grow up knowing the love of her father and her mother. What a beautiful little girl she is and her mom is amazing with her. What a joy to see them together! I have been blessed to remain a part of her life, not as much as I would like to be, but anything is better than nothing. Josh and Nikki are struggling right now but the are trying to work things out. Whatever they decide will be ok as long as they can continue to get along with for the kids to keep them safe and loved from all sides. This will be a short blog today but I am going to try to make an effort to write at least once a week. (more often if I have an issue or a thought). Hoping in some way that I can help someone out there feel less isolated and scared from issues in their life because it can be worked through. Sometimes it takes longer than we hope it will, but as long as we are willing to fight for what we deserve and desire, it will happen. :) That is my belief and I am determined to show everyone that it can be done!

Wow! My mom has moved back into the state, into our area, just 5 blocks away from my youngest son and his family. She is actually trying to have a relationship with me, but I am holding back.

I still don't trust her. She is still showing signs of old behaviours. She moved in with my oldest son and his fiance' and is constantly talking about what they do together. It just keeps opening up the same old wound that started the reason for this blog to begin with!

My mom wanted me to abort my youngest son when she found out I was pregnant. In fact, she even got the rest of the family to agree to pay for the abortion because I "couldn't afford it". My biological father ended up sending me money to pay for it and told me that he was with me whatever I chose. That was about the only positive words spoken for continuing the pregnancy.

I didn't understand why she was so determined for me to have an abortion! I had tried for years to have a baby and couldn't. I had gone through all kinds of procedures and medications to get pregnant with my first husband. When I was pregnant with my oldest son, the doctor told me to enjoy it because I would probably never have another child. So I did enjoy every moment of pregnancy, and every minute I spent with him.

I can't say that I was happy I was pregnant at that precise moment, but I didn't ever plan on ending it! It was not a perfect time, but God's timing is not always mine!

After having Joshua, my youngest, my mom tried to talk me into giving Ben up to her to raise. She continually told me that I couldn't possibly raise two children by myself and that she could give Benjamin, my oldest, so much more than I ever could.

What I didn't know at the time, was she was pumping Ben with the same lies. I didn't find this out for quite some time.

Josh was very sick when he was born. I think it was because of all the stress I carried around during my pregnancy. Whatever the reason, he was very colicky and didn't sleep much. So...when my mom and dad were moving to Washington and asked to take Ben up with them for a couple of weeks to get settled, I didn't like it, but didn't fight it very hard. It would do him good to be in a less stressful area and he would have some fun playing in the snow for a couple of weeks until they came down to finalize the sale of their home.

That was the story I was given and believed it completely. I know! STUPID!!!

I called every night and begged mom and dad to make sure they put a picture of Josh and I next to his bed so he could see it before he went to sleep. I had sent him a framed picture in his little bag. They agreed but then mom said after about a week that we shouldn't be calling him every night because it just makes him sad. "He cries himself to sleep when he gets off the phone with you." I told her that maybe we should call earlier, but she was very adamant about the fact it was traumatizing him!

She promised she would call in a day or two and let him talk to us. On the third day, I called to find out when they would be coming back to finalize the papers because it was coming on 2 weeks. Dad acted very surprised and stated that all the paperwork had been done across fax machines and they weren't coming back. He thought mom had told me. I told him that I had no idea. I asked if I could speak with Ben or was he napping. He informed me that my mom had taken him to Arkansas for a couple of weeks to visit family down there. Again, he stated that he thought I knew. Again, I stated I did not!!

Dad had mom call that night to talk to me and let me talk to Ben. She was so "happy" that everyone thought he was such a beautiful baby. My family was under the impression that I had given him to my mom and dad to raise. He was already calling my mother "mommy" and she was letting him!

I started selling everything I owned that I could possibly sell. I made arrangements with my landlord to get out of my lease and made arrangements with the boys' father to get enough money from him to pay most of the flight ticket for Josh and I to get to Washington.

It took us a while but we got it done. I let my dad know that we were coming. He made sure that my mom and Ben were at the gate when we arrived. Ben had a rose in his hand to give to me and was standing on one of the chairs. I was so excited to see him that I started crying. Dad grabbed Josh and I went to hug Ben and he ran to my mom crying "mommy, mommy" like he was terrified of me. She grabbed him and told him it would be okay and I just stood there. I tried to tell him that I was his mommy and he looked like I was crazy and my mom looked like she could kill me.

From that day on, it was an uphill battle to try and get Ben back to knowing who Josh and I were. My mom, was telling me every day, how selfish I was, and that if I truly loved the boys, I would let her keep Ben.

She continually told me how everyone thought that my dad was Ben's dad and they couldn't have children together and it would be perfect. They could love him and give him everything he could ever want or need and I would never be able to do that as a single mom. She kept telling him that I didn't love him as much as she did and that I loved his brother more than him.

I cannot express how happy I was to get out on our own. I looked for a job every day handing out applications and resumes to people who weren't even hiring. I got a job and moved out and then my dad got transferred back to Oregon. AT LAST!!! I could finally raise my children without interference or negativity. I was soooo happy. It was difficult financially. We didn't have a car and I had buried my son in the mean time, but I did not have to fight my mother every day for the right to be a mother to both of my sons.

There is a whole lot more to this story, but the bulk of the biggest issue is here. This is where it all started to fall apart for me as a mother and a daughter. This is where I started to realize that my mother did not have my best interests at heart. In fact....as far as she was concerned...she would rather me disappear. She was pretty clear on the part that if anything happened to me, someone else would have to raise Joshua because it would just be too hard for her to raise 2 kids...so I made arrangements for a Godmother. My best friend then and now some 24 years later. If anything had happened to me, Jennifer would have raised both of my boys with her daughter. That was the only peaceful thought I had!

Thank God nothing happened to warrant that, but at least I knew both of my boys were in trusted into sane, loving and very capable hands just in case.

Still Here Part 2

I had mentioned that my mom had promised to buy a tombstone for Joe's grave, since I couldn't afford one. It has been 23 years and she has yet to follow up on that promise, or to even acknowledge that she actually promised that. Instead, I misunderstood again!!!

A few years ago, a friend of ours had a son who was killed in a freak accident while repairing his car. It actually fell on top of him and he never made it. I was sitting at my mom's kitchen table and she said she didn't know what to say to our friend. I advised her not to tell her that it was for the best, or that she understood, or that he was in a better place. Those were all things said to me and they were hollow, empty words that only make you feel that no one really cares.

I told her instead to allow our friend to talk about her son if she wanted to and remember the good times they had together and to just listen. I told her that it was difficult for me when Joey died because no one wanted to talk about him at all and it made me feel as if they would rather just forget he ever existed and that hurt more! I told her that as a parent, we are never prepared to bury our children, we are geared to understand that they would bury us and they would live on.

My mother leaned over the table and said I couldn't possibly understand what our friend was going through because I had only known my son for 5 weeks and our friend had known her son for more than 25 years. I sat silent for a moment and actually opened my mouth to explain that it doesn't matter how long you have "known" your child, it still hurts to bury him in the ground. I told her that after you carry a child in you for all those months, they are a part of you that never disappears and that at least our friend had gotten a chance to know her son and have grandchildren by him. She had been able to watch him graduate, get married and become a father. Those were things I never would be able to do with Joey.

She shrugged her shoulders and acted like I was crazy. She never apologized or acknowledged that I could have serious feelings about a child who was "only 5 weeks old" when he died.

In the years following Joey's death, she has put me down for allowing my children to talk about him or to even bring up his name. She refused to allow anyone in the family to know of his existence for months after he died because she was afraid she would have to explain why she never told them I was pregnant in the first place.

She still does not understand or accept the fact that Joey was and is my son and his memory is still in my heart and in my head. I still have pictures of him and still talk about him, and on certain days, I mourn for what might have been.

When my youngest son got married the day before what would have been Joey's 18th birthday I wished I could see him graduate and get married. On the anniversary of his 21st birthday, I wondered what he would have chosen to do for a living. It never goes away....sometimes it is just easier to deal with than others. This year was hard because of all the other issues in our lives that I was having to deal with. It meant my emotions were running much higher than normal. I never really felt like it was Christmas this year.

I try to avoid my mom these days, and just found out that she and her ex-husband/boyfriend are moving in with my oldest son next week....a situation I am not looking forward to dealing with, but I will do it as always.

I am still having trouble forgetting what she has done to me and still have many issues that I know will trouble me later with her moving here, but I pray that I can deal with each one individually and let it go as I recall all that upsets me about it.

My hope is that one day, I will be able to look at her with love and respect instead of fear and dread. Not sure when that day will be, but I am looking forward to it. As my daughter-in-law says, I need to stop listening to my mom's voice inside my head and remember that she isn't right about all that she has said about me. I am worthy of love, respect and honesty. It is not my fault that she has her illness and it is not my fault she refuses to take the meds provided by her doctors. It is my fault that I allow her to have power over me and I need to take that back for myself.

I am still here!

Well, I lived through yesterday and that was not an easy task, let me tell you!

It is amazing when we get so used to hearing someone tell us for so long that we are wothless and stupid..... how we hear that voice in our heads long after they stopped saying them.

Yesterday marked the 23rd anniversary of my youngest son's death. His name was Joseph Junior Allee. A lot of people thought I was too stupid to put it the "right" way and thought it should have been Joseph Allee Junior. That was not the case!! He was named after my grandmother who was named after her father after her father gave up on ever having a son. His name was Joseph so they named her Joe Junior and she went by June all her life.

Joey was born on November 28, 1986 at 5 am and died January 2, 1987 at 5pm. He was exactly 5 weeks and 12 hours old. He was born with Hypoplastic Left Ventrical, which is a fancy way of saying he was born with half a heart. I was told that I should never have given birth to a live child with this disorder. I was told that he wouldn't make it past the night. Then I was told I couldn't take him home unless I promised to perform "no marked miracles for recusitation" or I would have to leave him at the hospital. In other words, I had to promise that I would let him die as they planned to, or they weren't going to allow me to take him home. I promised what they asked, which is the first time I ever purposely lied to get what I wanted.

Yesterday marked many painful memories for me and it was difficult to weave through false information going on in my head and truth in what was actually going on in my life. Unfortunately, because of this, I jumped to conclusions and started judging every aspect of my life, including my marriage. I am, hopefully, past that now.

I was watching a movie where a little girl asked a woman who had lost her daughter, how she felt when she died and I blurted out. "Like your world just caved in." I didn't realize that I was saying it out loud for a moment. When the movie was over, I started remembering things from the week that followed my son's death and then more from a conversation about 5 years ago.

First.....The day that I was visiting the mortuary/funeral home where my son was taken, I started crying. A pretty natural thing to do in my opinion. My mom told me that
"God took Joey from you because you don't appreciate the two kids you already have."
What a thing for a mother to say to her daughter who just lost a child....but she said it.

I wish I could say that was the only thing she said. The night that my son starting going into heart failure, New Year's Eve 1986, I was staying with my parents for the weekend (mom's request) I called the doctor and told him that Joey was not breathing normally and asked what I should do. My dad overheard the conversation and told me he would take us to the hospital (while I was on the phone). My mom started yelling that I was just faking it so she would have to cancel her plans for the New Year's Eve Party and she wouldn't stand for it. My dad again said he would take us to the hospital, but the doctor said if I would just stir him a little bit that he would start breathing again.

He was going through something with a name so long I can't even remember it, but they called them ABC's for short. He was not breathing properly but if it was heart failure that it would take several days for him to die...it wouldn't be sudden. I assured her that I didn't plan on taking him to the hospital because they wouldn't help him, they would just let him die and that she could go to the party because I was staying home with all 3 of my kids.

She was pissed off to say the least, but she left. Dad hugged me and told me everything would be okay before he left.

When they came home from the party, I was still awake and holding Joey on a pillow in my lap to keep him comfortable and make sure he was breathing. She got mad again, and said I was just over exagerating to get attention and that I should just let him sleep and leave him alone. I told her I couldn't do that. She went to bed but was up in just a matter of minutes to tell me that dad was going to take Joey to the hospital and I would have to leave him there because I had two other children who needed me. I told her "no", but she insisted and dad got dressed and took us to the hospital.

I stayed as long as I could but the doctors posted a "Do Not Resucitate" order on his "bed" and I didn't want to leave. My dad told me that I needed to go home and they would call me if they needed me.

I cried all the way home and called the hospital about every 2 hours. I got no sleep that night at all. I begged my dad to take me to the hospital to pick him up and take us to the house. He agreed. We got back home (mine) and the boys went to bed. Joey was sleeping but very ash in color. I kept checking on him to make sure he was breathing. He made it through the night, but the hospice nurse advised me that it wouldn't be long at this point. I called the Fire Department in our district and let them know of the situation so they would know what to be prepared for in case I had to call, but I went ahead and made all the preparations as told, "just in case".

On January 2nd he was breathing hard and I was worried but he was sleeping and I was trying to let him rest. My mom called about 3pm and told me to "stop babying him". She told me that IF he made it, I would have to learn to treat him just like the other two boys and let him make it on his own. She kept insisting that I was worrying over nothing and I sank down on the floor just listening to her batter me about being overprotective and overbearing. I finally got her off the phone because it was time to feed him. He had to be fed through a tube, gavauge feeding, because he didn't have enough strength to suck on a bottle. I went into the kitchen to warm the breast milk up for him and realized he was being very quite. I went in to check on him and he was cold and not moving.

I called 911 and told him the situation and the operator asked me if I knew CPR, I said no and she started telling me what to do..I screamed that I did know what to do and threw the phone down on the floor, placed my lifeless son on the coffee table and proceded to do CPR on him until the paramedics arrived. My mom called while they were there and I told her Joey was dead and slammed down the phone. I don't know how long it took them to arrive but the chaplain had come and had called the hospice nurse as well.

They all tried to talk me "down" and tell me what I needed to be doing next. I remember jumping up from the bed and telling them "He is cold and he needs a blanket". I took the blanket in to the paramedics to wrap him up in and started asking if anyone needed anything to eat or drink. I remember doing these things but they made no sense. I guess that is normal as well.

The day I went to take Joey's clothes to the funeral home (January 5) I got a phone call as I was leaving the house from Joey's father (I had kicked him out after finding out he was a child molestor when I was about 3 months pregnant). He said he had just heard on the radio that we had a baby boy. I told him he had died and I was on my way to the funeral home. At this point, he sarcasticaly stated....
"I guess you want me to come to the funeral."

I hesitated for about 1/2 second before screaming that if he wanted to keep his genitalia, he had better stay away from me and I slammed down the phone. When we arrived at the funeral home, my mother told the director that when they got their tax return back, she would be purchasing a head stone for the grave site because I could not afford one. I was very appreciative and told them both so in front of the director.

On January 7th, I buried my son and the only people present were the director, my parents and myself. I agreed with my mom that it would be too traumatic on the boys who were 3 and 18months. I had to re-dress him at the funeral home and remove the red makeup that they had covered his face in. I remember the embalming fluid leaking from his mouth when I moved him. I still finished the job and placed his little blue bear in the casket with him before they closed it and placed him in the back of the hearse.

I cried during the entire funeral and all the way home. When we got about 2 blocks from my parents house, my mom turned to me and yelled that I had two other children who needed their mother and I had better straighten up before I get in that house. She said they would not understand why I was crying all the time. I told her that I was more afraid of how they would feel if they thought their brother had died and I didn't care. She told me how selfish and stupid I was being and I breathed deep and held it all in.

I stayed with my mom for the afternoon but begged my dad to take us back home. When I arrived, my cradle was gone and so were all Joey's clothes and diapers. When I asked dad if he knew anything about it, he said mom had taken care of it for me.

I called her to find out what she had done with all of his stuff and she said she gave it to a family that needed it because I didn't need to be reminded of the past. That night I cried into my pillow.

About midnight, I felt a small hand on my shoulder and looked up to find my 3 year old son standing by my bed. He looked so sad and serious and stated..."I miss him too mommy". I thought I would fall apart completely. I just held him in my arms and cried.

Tomorrow I will finish the story, but for now I have to go and breath and remember that I can't change the past, but I can face the future and accept that my mom is never going to understand that what she did was not nice or normal for anyone who loves their child. And that the feelings I had, and still have regarding the loss of my son are normal for me, and that is all that matters!

Who to Trust Now!!!

It seems like most of my life I have depended and counted on people to tell me the truth. Someone once told me that you expect from others what you give. If you cheat, you expect others to cheat; if you lie, you expect others will lie to you. Maybe that is why I expect to be told the truth.

Unfortunately, that is not what I get. I have been lied to so many times that I can't keep up, nor would I want to! Tonight is no exception.

I found out that the person I care for most in my life has been lying to me again. He asked to be given another chance to start fresh quite some time ago, and I thought that was what we were doing. Unfortunately, I guess it just meant that he counted on me erasing the past errors so he could start all over again.

With my first husband, the lies were about "not sleeping with" his secretary, and "alcohol is not a problem. With my mom, it was always countered with, "I meant I would try!" or "you misunderstood what I said". However it was said, it meant the same. People will say whatever they think you want to hear to get you off the subject for the moment, then get mad at you for bringing the past up when it happens again.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard the phrase...."that was then and this is now...let it go!" It would be a lot easier to let it go, if it never happened again. That has not been the case for me! It seems that I "let it go" only to have it come back to haunt me at another inconvenient time in my life.

My husband promised me that he had given something up that had hurt me and our relationship a couple of years ago. I found out tonight that he hadn't really given it up. Now that being said, I haven't been able to talk to him about it because he is at work, so I don't know if he just picked the habit back up again or if it has been going on this entire time. Now I am not sure I would trust him no matter what he tells me. I can't count on him to be honest with me about it because I found this out by accident.

This was supposed to be a new year of letting old things go and starting fresh. I thought that this blog would be to help me deal with past issues when I thought of them again, so that I could let them go instead of dwelling on them again. Now I don't know how to let this one go because it just spit in my face! I can only say that I am very glad that I am the one who found this out instead of my 3 year old granddaughter who is spending the night with me. I was moving things around for her to sleep in the extra room and setting up the new DVD player when I happened on this "new to me" information.

I called and left a message on my husband's cell phone.....the true question is now, will he respond or try to avoid me like he used to when this issue came up.

I wish I didn't feel so hurt! I wish I was just mad because that is a lot easier to get over. I feel like I want to be sick and yet I have to pretend that everything is okay because I have a 3 year old in the next room watching a movie and she doesn't need to have any of this information and I don't want her feeling bad because I can't stop crying.

So far, I am holding it all in, but my blood pressure it through the roof and my legs won't stop shaking. My stomach is tied in knots and I really want to throw up! What a great feeling to have on the first day of a new year. WooooHooo!!! What a happy night for me!

I don't know if I want to work through this again, or if I want a divorce.....I don't know if I want to leave for a while and think about things or just pretend everything is okay! I don't really have anywhere to go unless I stay with my kids and how could I do that without letting them know what their father is up to?! I am ashamed and embarrassed and mostly because I actually trusted him to be honest with me. I am upset because I was the trusting "I'll fix it" idiot again. How can I save myself from these stupid mistakes over and over and over again?

I was actually in preparations tonight for starting a business with him and was researching web names when I found this out. Now I don't think I want to have any connections to him, especially not a business!

I may feel diferently tomorrow, but right now my world is upside down!! Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my youngest son's death and tonight is difficult for me anyway because of that. This new issue just adds fuel to a burning fire!!

I have a lot of thinking and praying to do tonight and tomorrow. If my granddaughter wasn't here right now, I would be packed and gone. Maybe it is better that she is here so I have to face things instead of running away......But I am not sure about that right now!

Starting Fresh

Deciding to do this blog was not an easy decission, but a necessary one.

Each year I make resolutions to change my attitude, lose weight, learn to say no..... The actual list is endless. This year, I am not just talking about change, I am actually making the changes, this being one of the biggest!!

I learned something about myself these past few weeks ending 2009......I learned that I give some people entirely too much power over my life and then wonder where I went wrong. Allowing some people decide whether I am happy, sad, fat, healthy.... Again, the list is endless. I am now taking that power back!

Writing this blog is my way of letting hurts leave. It doesn't mean that the hurts never happened or that they no longer exist. What it does mean, is that I no longer will allow the pain from my past to decide my future. It means that when something painful from my past comes to mind, instead of dwelling on it and getting upset all over again, I can write it down and purge it from the list.

That is why I titled my blog forgiving and letting it go. I refuse to allow my past to rule my future. Instead, my future will be fresh and new and exciting, as it should have been from the start.

Many years ago, my dad told me he was sorry for our past and wanted to start fresh. We now have a wonderful relationship and I wish we had done that earlier. Unfortunately, I have some people in my life that act as if what they have done was "no big deal" and continue to attack me verbally and emotionally. I have to take responsibility for letting this happen. After all, I am 50 years old and should know better than this.

My friends will feel it is about time I do this, and be happy and proud for me. Some may read this and think I am an idiot for letting things go so long without doing something about it. For those who don't know me, I will give you a little bit of background on where all this is coming from.

I am the oldest daughter of 3 to a mom who is bi-polar. Most of my life has been spent taking care of my siblings and my mom, and feeling it is somehow my responsibility to make everything better for everyone. I was married to an abusive alcoholic at the age of 18, divorced by the age of 22. Met another abusive man whom I had two children with before realizing I was in a deadly pattern. At the age of 27 I gave birth to my third child who only lived 5 weeks and 12 hours.

I have lived through many things that have hurt me, but none so much as the hatred my mother shows me and the scarred relationship with my oldest son. I am currently married to a wonderful man. We have been together for almost 19 years and I can't imagine my life without him. I have two beautiful grandchildren from my youngest son and his beautiful wife, and relationships with my sons' half-sisters and my grandson from one of them.

I have good friends and strong relationships so I am not a bad person. I have owned and operated 4 businesses in my life and run them successfuly so I am not an idiot. The problem is, I still feel it is my responsibility to make other people happy, and I don't need to be happy in return. I don't want to feel this way anymore and am determined to change this aspect of my life.

My hope is by changing this part of my life, I can get on with the rest of it!