Wow! My mom has moved back into the state, into our area, just 5 blocks away from my youngest son and his family. She is actually trying to have a relationship with me, but I am holding back.

I still don't trust her. She is still showing signs of old behaviours. She moved in with my oldest son and his fiance' and is constantly talking about what they do together. It just keeps opening up the same old wound that started the reason for this blog to begin with!

My mom wanted me to abort my youngest son when she found out I was pregnant. In fact, she even got the rest of the family to agree to pay for the abortion because I "couldn't afford it". My biological father ended up sending me money to pay for it and told me that he was with me whatever I chose. That was about the only positive words spoken for continuing the pregnancy.

I didn't understand why she was so determined for me to have an abortion! I had tried for years to have a baby and couldn't. I had gone through all kinds of procedures and medications to get pregnant with my first husband. When I was pregnant with my oldest son, the doctor told me to enjoy it because I would probably never have another child. So I did enjoy every moment of pregnancy, and every minute I spent with him.

I can't say that I was happy I was pregnant at that precise moment, but I didn't ever plan on ending it! It was not a perfect time, but God's timing is not always mine!

After having Joshua, my youngest, my mom tried to talk me into giving Ben up to her to raise. She continually told me that I couldn't possibly raise two children by myself and that she could give Benjamin, my oldest, so much more than I ever could.

What I didn't know at the time, was she was pumping Ben with the same lies. I didn't find this out for quite some time.

Josh was very sick when he was born. I think it was because of all the stress I carried around during my pregnancy. Whatever the reason, he was very colicky and didn't sleep much. So...when my mom and dad were moving to Washington and asked to take Ben up with them for a couple of weeks to get settled, I didn't like it, but didn't fight it very hard. It would do him good to be in a less stressful area and he would have some fun playing in the snow for a couple of weeks until they came down to finalize the sale of their home.

That was the story I was given and believed it completely. I know! STUPID!!!

I called every night and begged mom and dad to make sure they put a picture of Josh and I next to his bed so he could see it before he went to sleep. I had sent him a framed picture in his little bag. They agreed but then mom said after about a week that we shouldn't be calling him every night because it just makes him sad. "He cries himself to sleep when he gets off the phone with you." I told her that maybe we should call earlier, but she was very adamant about the fact it was traumatizing him!

She promised she would call in a day or two and let him talk to us. On the third day, I called to find out when they would be coming back to finalize the papers because it was coming on 2 weeks. Dad acted very surprised and stated that all the paperwork had been done across fax machines and they weren't coming back. He thought mom had told me. I told him that I had no idea. I asked if I could speak with Ben or was he napping. He informed me that my mom had taken him to Arkansas for a couple of weeks to visit family down there. Again, he stated that he thought I knew. Again, I stated I did not!!

Dad had mom call that night to talk to me and let me talk to Ben. She was so "happy" that everyone thought he was such a beautiful baby. My family was under the impression that I had given him to my mom and dad to raise. He was already calling my mother "mommy" and she was letting him!

I started selling everything I owned that I could possibly sell. I made arrangements with my landlord to get out of my lease and made arrangements with the boys' father to get enough money from him to pay most of the flight ticket for Josh and I to get to Washington.

It took us a while but we got it done. I let my dad know that we were coming. He made sure that my mom and Ben were at the gate when we arrived. Ben had a rose in his hand to give to me and was standing on one of the chairs. I was so excited to see him that I started crying. Dad grabbed Josh and I went to hug Ben and he ran to my mom crying "mommy, mommy" like he was terrified of me. She grabbed him and told him it would be okay and I just stood there. I tried to tell him that I was his mommy and he looked like I was crazy and my mom looked like she could kill me.

From that day on, it was an uphill battle to try and get Ben back to knowing who Josh and I were. My mom, was telling me every day, how selfish I was, and that if I truly loved the boys, I would let her keep Ben.

She continually told me how everyone thought that my dad was Ben's dad and they couldn't have children together and it would be perfect. They could love him and give him everything he could ever want or need and I would never be able to do that as a single mom. She kept telling him that I didn't love him as much as she did and that I loved his brother more than him.

I cannot express how happy I was to get out on our own. I looked for a job every day handing out applications and resumes to people who weren't even hiring. I got a job and moved out and then my dad got transferred back to Oregon. AT LAST!!! I could finally raise my children without interference or negativity. I was soooo happy. It was difficult financially. We didn't have a car and I had buried my son in the mean time, but I did not have to fight my mother every day for the right to be a mother to both of my sons.

There is a whole lot more to this story, but the bulk of the biggest issue is here. This is where it all started to fall apart for me as a mother and a daughter. This is where I started to realize that my mother did not have my best interests at heart. In fact....as far as she was concerned...she would rather me disappear. She was pretty clear on the part that if anything happened to me, someone else would have to raise Joshua because it would just be too hard for her to raise 2 kids...so I made arrangements for a Godmother. My best friend then and now some 24 years later. If anything had happened to me, Jennifer would have raised both of my boys with her daughter. That was the only peaceful thought I had!

Thank God nothing happened to warrant that, but at least I knew both of my boys were in trusted into sane, loving and very capable hands just in case.

Still Here Part 2

I had mentioned that my mom had promised to buy a tombstone for Joe's grave, since I couldn't afford one. It has been 23 years and she has yet to follow up on that promise, or to even acknowledge that she actually promised that. Instead, I misunderstood again!!!

A few years ago, a friend of ours had a son who was killed in a freak accident while repairing his car. It actually fell on top of him and he never made it. I was sitting at my mom's kitchen table and she said she didn't know what to say to our friend. I advised her not to tell her that it was for the best, or that she understood, or that he was in a better place. Those were all things said to me and they were hollow, empty words that only make you feel that no one really cares.

I told her instead to allow our friend to talk about her son if she wanted to and remember the good times they had together and to just listen. I told her that it was difficult for me when Joey died because no one wanted to talk about him at all and it made me feel as if they would rather just forget he ever existed and that hurt more! I told her that as a parent, we are never prepared to bury our children, we are geared to understand that they would bury us and they would live on.

My mother leaned over the table and said I couldn't possibly understand what our friend was going through because I had only known my son for 5 weeks and our friend had known her son for more than 25 years. I sat silent for a moment and actually opened my mouth to explain that it doesn't matter how long you have "known" your child, it still hurts to bury him in the ground. I told her that after you carry a child in you for all those months, they are a part of you that never disappears and that at least our friend had gotten a chance to know her son and have grandchildren by him. She had been able to watch him graduate, get married and become a father. Those were things I never would be able to do with Joey.

She shrugged her shoulders and acted like I was crazy. She never apologized or acknowledged that I could have serious feelings about a child who was "only 5 weeks old" when he died.

In the years following Joey's death, she has put me down for allowing my children to talk about him or to even bring up his name. She refused to allow anyone in the family to know of his existence for months after he died because she was afraid she would have to explain why she never told them I was pregnant in the first place.

She still does not understand or accept the fact that Joey was and is my son and his memory is still in my heart and in my head. I still have pictures of him and still talk about him, and on certain days, I mourn for what might have been.

When my youngest son got married the day before what would have been Joey's 18th birthday I wished I could see him graduate and get married. On the anniversary of his 21st birthday, I wondered what he would have chosen to do for a living. It never goes away....sometimes it is just easier to deal with than others. This year was hard because of all the other issues in our lives that I was having to deal with. It meant my emotions were running much higher than normal. I never really felt like it was Christmas this year.

I try to avoid my mom these days, and just found out that she and her ex-husband/boyfriend are moving in with my oldest son next week....a situation I am not looking forward to dealing with, but I will do it as always.

I am still having trouble forgetting what she has done to me and still have many issues that I know will trouble me later with her moving here, but I pray that I can deal with each one individually and let it go as I recall all that upsets me about it.

My hope is that one day, I will be able to look at her with love and respect instead of fear and dread. Not sure when that day will be, but I am looking forward to it. As my daughter-in-law says, I need to stop listening to my mom's voice inside my head and remember that she isn't right about all that she has said about me. I am worthy of love, respect and honesty. It is not my fault that she has her illness and it is not my fault she refuses to take the meds provided by her doctors. It is my fault that I allow her to have power over me and I need to take that back for myself.