Friday, January 1, 2010

Who to Trust Now!!!

It seems like most of my life I have depended and counted on people to tell me the truth. Someone once told me that you expect from others what you give. If you cheat, you expect others to cheat; if you lie, you expect others will lie to you. Maybe that is why I expect to be told the truth.

Unfortunately, that is not what I get. I have been lied to so many times that I can't keep up, nor would I want to! Tonight is no exception.

I found out that the person I care for most in my life has been lying to me again. He asked to be given another chance to start fresh quite some time ago, and I thought that was what we were doing. Unfortunately, I guess it just meant that he counted on me erasing the past errors so he could start all over again.

With my first husband, the lies were about "not sleeping with" his secretary, and "alcohol is not a problem. With my mom, it was always countered with, "I meant I would try!" or "you misunderstood what I said". However it was said, it meant the same. People will say whatever they think you want to hear to get you off the subject for the moment, then get mad at you for bringing the past up when it happens again.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard the phrase...."that was then and this is now...let it go!" It would be a lot easier to let it go, if it never happened again. That has not been the case for me! It seems that I "let it go" only to have it come back to haunt me at another inconvenient time in my life.

My husband promised me that he had given something up that had hurt me and our relationship a couple of years ago. I found out tonight that he hadn't really given it up. Now that being said, I haven't been able to talk to him about it because he is at work, so I don't know if he just picked the habit back up again or if it has been going on this entire time. Now I am not sure I would trust him no matter what he tells me. I can't count on him to be honest with me about it because I found this out by accident.

This was supposed to be a new year of letting old things go and starting fresh. I thought that this blog would be to help me deal with past issues when I thought of them again, so that I could let them go instead of dwelling on them again. Now I don't know how to let this one go because it just spit in my face! I can only say that I am very glad that I am the one who found this out instead of my 3 year old granddaughter who is spending the night with me. I was moving things around for her to sleep in the extra room and setting up the new DVD player when I happened on this "new to me" information.

I called and left a message on my husband's cell phone.....the true question is now, will he respond or try to avoid me like he used to when this issue came up.

I wish I didn't feel so hurt! I wish I was just mad because that is a lot easier to get over. I feel like I want to be sick and yet I have to pretend that everything is okay because I have a 3 year old in the next room watching a movie and she doesn't need to have any of this information and I don't want her feeling bad because I can't stop crying.

So far, I am holding it all in, but my blood pressure it through the roof and my legs won't stop shaking. My stomach is tied in knots and I really want to throw up! What a great feeling to have on the first day of a new year. WooooHooo!!! What a happy night for me!

I don't know if I want to work through this again, or if I want a divorce.....I don't know if I want to leave for a while and think about things or just pretend everything is okay! I don't really have anywhere to go unless I stay with my kids and how could I do that without letting them know what their father is up to?! I am ashamed and embarrassed and mostly because I actually trusted him to be honest with me. I am upset because I was the trusting "I'll fix it" idiot again. How can I save myself from these stupid mistakes over and over and over again?

I was actually in preparations tonight for starting a business with him and was researching web names when I found this out. Now I don't think I want to have any connections to him, especially not a business!

I may feel diferently tomorrow, but right now my world is upside down!! Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my youngest son's death and tonight is difficult for me anyway because of that. This new issue just adds fuel to a burning fire!!

I have a lot of thinking and praying to do tonight and tomorrow. If my granddaughter wasn't here right now, I would be packed and gone. Maybe it is better that she is here so I have to face things instead of running away......But I am not sure about that right now!

No comments:

Post a Comment